who want to change?
1- Be honest and admit to yourself, "This is where I am. Now what am I gonna do about it?"
2- Recognize Idealization and Devaluation?patterns
3- Know warning signs and stumbling blocks to healthy recovery
4- Learn about narcissism: the causes, the results, the challenges
5- Commit to?long term?therapy; take medications as prescribed
6- Practice stress and anxiety reduction techniques
7- Treat substance abuse and other active addictions
8- Accept corrective feedback without triggering Step Two and Three (this'll be tricky!)
9- Follow a spiritual path creating meaning and purpose (develop communal values)
10- Ask for help. Get support. Develop a wellness action plan
Each of the books, videos and websites on my recommendation list have been useful for understanding our challenges as imperfect human beings. This list is a good place to start while seeking additional resources that might better fit your situation. ?My list is intended to help people with normal narcissistic traits and behaviors they'd like to change, along with people who have narcissistic personalities and the desire to change.?These are merely suggested?resources?and may not work well for your particular situation. Please give this link to your therapist for his or her input as to which resources might be best for you.
If you are researching my website for information to give to the person in your life who has a narcissistic personality, please stop. You cannot influence anyone to change if they don't want to change. Learn what you need to know to help yourself. Handing someone a binder full of information about the narcissistic continuum (especially the Narcissistic Personality Disorder) will increase their unconscious defenses, obfuscating the situation and making matters worse. I speak from the voice of experience. Let my mistakes be your gain. *wink*
Narcissism TestsNote: Learn how you tick on these seven traits measured on the Narcissistic Personality Inventory (NPI): Authority; Self-sufficiency; Superiority; Exhibitionism; Exploitativeness; Vanity; Entitlement. The NPI measures normal narcissism, a constellation of personality traits in everyone.
Reference article on my blog:?Narcissistic Traits and the NPI Narcissistic Personality Inventory (NPI)
"The NPI is ideal for self-researchers who want to understand the narcissistic self," W. Keith Campbell writes. "However, those who conceptualize narcissism as an entirely negative or pathological condition of the self may have issues with the NPI." "The Dark Triad is a group of three personality traits: narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy, all of which are interpersonally aversive. The Dark Triad refers to three theoretically distinct but empirically overlapping personality constructs. The term reflects the perception that these three diagnostic categories, have at least some common underlying factors." ~Wikipedia
DSM Criteria for the Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
This Wikipedia article continually updates information about classification of the Narcissistic Personality?Disorder?in the 2013 edition of the DSM ?(diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders).
Types of Therapy
Note:?Individual, family therapy, and group therapy are beneficial in reducing narcissistic behaviors and educating family members about the disorder and their reactions. Treatment of NPD requires several years in order to change behaviors that have been developing since childhood. But take heart! Improved therapeutic?techniques?report short-term benefits which encourage continued treatment. Nonetheless, changing dysfunctional thoughts, feelings and behaviors requires long-term treatment. Don't let anyone kid you otherwise.Human beings continue to grow and change throughout their lifetime, so why not direct?your conscious?change with professional guidance and personal intention? No matter the degree of change?you?are able to make, you and other people will be better off. And remember: don't set your bar at perfection. Perfection doesn't heal the disconnection from the real self---it perpetuates isolation from others and self.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a psychotherapeutic approach that addresses dysfunctional emotions, maladaptive behaviors and cognitive processes and contents through a number of goal-oriented, explicit systematic procedures. The name refers to behavior therapy, cognitive therapy, and to therapy based upon a combination of basic behavioral and cognitive principles and research. ~WikipediaThe Feeling Good Handbook?by?Dr. David Burns
"The first principle of cognitive therapy is that all your moods are created by your ?cognitions,? or thoughts. A cognition refers to the way you look at thing?your perceptions, mental attitudes, and beliefs. It includes the way you interpret things?what you say about something or someone to yourself. You feel the way you do right now because of the thoughts you are thinking at this moment."
Dr. David Burns presents innovative, clear, and compassionate methods that will help you identify the causes of your mood slumps and develop a more positive outlook on life. ?You feel the way you think: Negative feelings like guilt, anger, and depression do not result from the bad things that happen to you, but from the way you think about these events. ~Amazon
Mistakes were Made (but not by me)?by Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson
Backed by years of research and delivered in lively, energetic prose, 'Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me)' offers a fascinating explanation of self-deception?how it works, the harm it can cause, and how we can overcome it. ~Amazon Schema Therapy was developed by Dr. Jeffrey E. Young for use in treatment of personality disorders and chronic Axis I disorders, such as when patients fail to respond or relapse after having been through other therapies (for example, traditional CBT). Schema Therapy is an integrative, twenty first century psychotherapy synergistically and systematically combining theory and techniques from previously existing therapies, including Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, psychoanalytic object relations, Attachment Theory, and Gestalt therapy ~Wikipedia
"I don't need constant admiration from everyone to exist and be healthy"
"I'm an important part of an even more important whole"
"Other people have needs and opinions that matter, too"
"This situation is not really about me" (examples by Cukrowicz and Joiner)
Disarming the Narcissist by Wendy T. Behary?
Readers will learn how to move past the narcissist's?defenses?with compassionate, empathetic communication. They'll learn to understand the worldview and coping styles of narcissists and why it's often sad and lonely to be a narcissist. By anticipating and avoiding certain hot-button issues, readers will discover ways to relate to narcissists without triggering aggression. By validating some common narcissistic concerns, readers will find out how to be heard in conversation with a narcissist. Also covered are strategies for limit setting and for knowing when to draw the line on unacceptable behaviour. ~Amazon
Self Control Regulation Interpersonal PsychoTherapy (SCRIPT)
"The SCRIPT approach utilizes Beck et al.'s (1990) cognitive approach to the treatment of BPD and NPD by explicitly targeting cognitions and schema that are part of the essential features of these disorders....Researchers using self-control regulation/interpersonal psychotherapy have found evidence of psychological change in?clients?suffering from NPD." (W. Keith Campbell and Joshua D. Foster)Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT)?
"DBT combines standard cognitive-behavioral techniques for emotion regulation and reality-testing with concepts of distress tolerance, acceptance, and mindful awareness largely derived from Buddhist meditative practice...Research indicates that DBT is also effective in treating patients who present varied symptoms and behaviors associated with spectrum mood disorders, including self-injury. Recent work suggests its effectiveness with sexual abuse survivors and chemical dependency. ~Wikipedia"Practicing mindfulness can help people to begin to?recognize?their habitual patterns of mind, which have developed out of awareness over time and this allows practitioners to respond in new rather than habitual ways to their life." ~Wikipedia
Jon Kabat-Zinn talks about Mindfulness?VIDEO?(1:12:06)
Rick Hanson speaking on the Not-Craving Brain?VIDEO (1:10:57)
Mindfulness for Beginners by?Jon Kabat-Zinn
Beginning and advanced meditators alike will discover in these pages a valuable distillation of the key attitudes and essential practices that Jon Kabat-Zinn has found most useful with his students, including:?Why heartfulness is synonymous with true mindfulness;?The value of coming back to our bodies and to our senses over and over again;?How our thoughts self-liberate when touched by awareness;?Moving beyond our story into direct experience;?Stabilizing our attention and presence amidst daily activities;?The three poisons that cause suffering and their antidotes;?How mindfulness heals, even after the fact,?Reclaiming our wholeness, and more.
Transcendental?Meditation??(website)
What is the Transcendental Meditation (TM)?technique? It is a simple, natural, effortless?procedure practiced 20 minutes twice each day?while sitting comfortably with the eyes closed. It?s?not a religion, philosophy, or lifestyle. It?s the most?widely practiced, most researched, and most?effective method of self-development.
The Relaxation Response?by Miriam J. Klipper and Herbert Bensen
This revitalizing, therapeutic approach, discovered by Dr. Benson and his colleagues in the laboratories of Harvard Medical School and its teaching hospitals, is now routinely recommended to treat patients suffering from heart conditions, high blood pressure, chronic pain, insomnia, and many other physical ailments. Requiring only minutes to learn, and just ten to twenty minutes of practice twice a day, the Relaxation Response has proven to be one of the most effective ways to relieve the tensions of modern-day living for a richer, healthier, more productive life.~Amazon
Self-Help?
If you have a narcissistic personality and you aren't in therapy, please exercise caution reading self-help books. Without developing communal values holding you steady, it's easy to use self-help to justify narcissistic behaviors! Behaviors you would likely never have done without the encouragement of a self-help book that was written for people without narcissistic personalities. ?Before your narcissism leads you astray, speak with a counselor who can help you avoid self-deception. (self-deception might be narcissist's Achilles heel)
What you Can Change and What You Can't??by Martin Seligman
"You can best prepare yourself to change by learning as much as you can about what you can change and how to make those changes...Like all true education, learning about change is not easy; harder yet is surrendering some of our hopes. There are few shortcuts and no quick fixes to be had. You have heard the exhortations of the multibillion-dollar self-improvement?industries and the therapy and medication guilds. Much of what you?have?heard from them has been false promises. Much of the optimism they have engendered has been unwarranted."~Martin Seligman
Changing for Good distinguishes itself from the many other self-help materials available by espousing a sound therapeutic approach based on the authors' years of professional work with people in all sorts of damaging behavioral patterns, including smoking, overeating, alcohol abuse, and toxic relationships. The six steps to change, the social processes one must understand while changing, and the criteria used to measure success will prove useful to all self-helpers. Reader David Brand presents the text clearly and succinctly. A sure choice for all popular psychology collections. ~Amazon Dr. Rubin looks of how self-hate begins, is sustained, and eventually leads to destructive and defeating behavior -- from alcoholism and drug dependency to perfectionism and fear of failure (or success). Offering practical and reassuring advice, he shows that the key to freeing yourself from these restricting emotions and habits is to find and examine the self-hate that generates them, and then to release your innate and powerful capacity for compassion. ~Amazon book
Break the Cycle!?Self-improvement Lessons to protect your family?by Peter Gerlach (website)
"The "cycle" is this: psychologically-wounded, unaware parents raise wounded, unaware kids. They ?grow up, choose wounded, unaware partners, and raise wounded, unaware kids who repeat and spread the cycle and its effects in our society."
Creating Love: the next stage of growth by John Bradshaw
Bradshaw?s compassionate approach shows that many of us have been literally ?entranced? by past experiences of counterfeit love, so we unknowingly re-create patterns that can never fulfill us. Here he provides both the insights and the precise tools we need to keep those destructive patterns from repeating in the present. And then he shows how we can open ourselves to the soul-building work of real love?and create healthy, loving relationships where we can be fully ourselves in every part of our lives. ~Amazon Inner Child Work?
Note:?Depending on the degree of relational difficulties you're experiencing with yourself and others, inner child work should be facilitated by professionals. Unfortunately, the unaccompanied inner child that's urged to emerge and bonds with other wounded inner children and then the whole gang escalates childish behaviors?without restraint. Adult selves are hog-tied in the corner and silenced. The wounded inner child of the past seeks revenge on adults in the present, ruining people's lives and thwarting the healing process. If the?consequences?are too great to bare, inner-kids-gone-wild might even stop the healing process completely.
Inner child work for people with narcissistic disorders has serious consequences in your adult life. Your wounded inner child can (and frequently does) destroy the life you've built for yourself. Wounded inner children raise their fists, punching whomever's the closest and that's often the people who support them the most. My advice for people with narcissistic personalities is to work with professionals who won't encourage self-destructive behaviors. ?Be aware though: when therapists and other adults suggest your behavior might be contradictory to your best interests, your "devalue and discard process" ?will automatically kick in. If you know this in advance, you might be able to catch yourself in the act and avoid another setback in your recovery.
Healing the Child Within?Charles L. WhitfieldHave you ever heard of your inner child? Well, this is the classic book that started it all.?In 1987, Charlie Whitfield's breakthrough concept of the child within?that part of us which is truly alive, energetic, creative and fulfilled?launched the inner child movement. Healing the Child Within describes how the inner child is lost to trauma and loss, and how by recovering it, we can heal the fear, confusion and unhappiness of adult life.
Healing the Shame that Binds You?John Bradshaw
Shame is the motivator behind our toxic behaviors: the compulsion, co-dependency, addiction and drive to super-achieve that breaks down the family and destroys personal lives. This book has helped millions identify their personal shame, understand the underlying reasons for it, address these root causes and release themselves from the shame that binds them to their past failures. ~Amazon
* ? ? * ? ? *
Volunteer in your community?
(anonymously if you can!)
Participate in 12-step
(exercise empathy and reduce hierarchies)
* ? ? * ? ? *
The Mirror Effect?by Drew Pinsky and Mark Young
A provocative, eye-opening study, The Mirror Effect?sounds a timely warning, raising important questions about our changing culture?and provides insights for parents, young people, and anyone who wonders what the cult of celebrity is really doing to America. ~Amazon
The Narcissism Epidemic?by Jean Twenge and W. Keith Campbell
The Narcissism Epidemic is at once a riveting window into the consequences of narcissism, a prescription to combat the widespread problems it causes, and a probing analysis of the culture at large. ~Amazon
The Culture of Narcissism?by Christopher Lasch
When 'The Culture of Narcissism' was first published, it was clear that Christopher Lasch had identified something important: what was happening to American society in the wake of the decline of the family over the last century. ~Amazon
The Destructive Narcissistic Pattern?by Nina Brown
The destructive narcissistic pattern (DNP) is a term used to describe a constellation of characteristics generally associated with pathological narcissism, but which are fewer and less severe. Nonetheless, these characteristics negatively impact relationships...In addition to identifying destructive narcissism, Brown provides strategies to help the reader moderate or eliminate the impact of these destructive narcissistic behaviors, feelings, and attitudes. Attention is given to understanding projection, projective identification, and identification as well as how those processes trigger reactions. This book will be an important tool for counselors, psychologists, clinical social workers, and other mental health professionals, and students in these fields. ~Amazon
Loving the Self-Absorbed?by?Nina Brown
You that you are not helpless, and that you needn't give up on your relationship. Instead, the book offers realistic tips on living so that both of your needs are met. Change your "fantasy" wishes into realistic expectations, create boundaries, listen and respond in a self-caring manner, and learn when to avoid and ignore especially bad behavior...Ultimately, you will achieve a degree of understanding and separation that will help you see both your partner and yourself in a new light. ~Amazon
The Narcissistic Family?by Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert M. Pressman The children in narcissistic family systems try to earn love, attention and approval by satisfying their parents' needs, thus never developing the ability to recognize their own needs or create strategies for getting them met. By outlining the theoretical framework of their model and using dozens of illustrative clinical examples, the authors clearly illuminate specific practice guidelines for treating these individuals. ~Amazon
Theoretical Books
Narcissism, a New Theory?by Neville Symington
"I think this question of narcissism is crucial. It is a personal problem in each of us which we have to solve. I believe that if we understand some of the processes that determine it in us, we may be in a better position to become creative architects of our own lives, to stand for more worthwhile values in our society, and to?achieve?that elusive quality called happiness. As many social theorists?have?said, alienation in all its ramifications is the source of the modern malaise." (pg.123)
Narcissism: Denial of the True Self?by Alexander Lowen
"Narcissism can be seen in a loss of human values---in a lack of concern for the environment, for the quality of life, for one's fellow human beings...The proliferation of material things becomes the measure of progress in living and man is pitted against woman, worker against employer,?individual?against community. When wealth occupies a higher position than wisdom, when notoriety is admired more than dignity, when success is more important than self-respect, the culture itself overvalues "image" and must be regarded as narcissistic." ~Alexander Lowen
The Search for the Real Self?by James. F. Masterson
"After describing how the healthy real self develops and functions, he explains what can go wrong. Drawing on case histories, he shows how the false self behaves in relationships and on the job, and then delineates appropriate treatments, offering real hope for cure."~Amazon
Humanizing the Narcissistic Style?by Stephen M. Johnson
Johnson writes at the beginning of his book: "Some of my best friends are narcissists. Much of my most successful and moving therapeutic work has been done with individuals who can most accurately be understood by using the concepts of narcissism." (pg.3)
Characterological Transformation: the hard work miracle?by Steven M. Johnson
"Johnson uses an active treatment approach that draws upon all major schools of psychotherapeutic thought, choosing techniques that serve specific purposes and outlining changes in behavioral, affective, and cognitive domains that are necessary for lasting characterological change. Focusing on character pathology resulting from disorders in attachment, the book discusses etiology, characteristic affects, behaviors and cognitions, bodily expressions of character, and therapeutic objectives and techniques." ~Amazon (requires a psychology background---or a tall ladder 'cuz this book is way over people's heads)
Know the Warning Signs of Depression
Note: People with narcissistic personalities suffer depression, especially at midlife when narcissistic defenses are unable to compensate for the stresses of life, the anxiety of getting older, the loss of aging parents, and unresolved fears about death. People with narcissistic personalities have difficulty accepting having never having made their "mark on the world." Unfulfilled dreams of fame and fortune haven't been processed and accepted, leading to despair and emptiness...devaluation of the self. ?Which always leads to devaluation of others.?Only qualified therapists can determine if what you are experiencing is a mood disorder, situational depression, or perhaps a depression resulting from unhealthy narcissism.?
There are many websites, books, and videos by, and for, people suffering depression. Please, if you are dealing with a narcissistic personality, ask for professional support and treatment. Mood disorders run in my family and pharmaceutical treatments have saved not only the depressed person's life, but the lives of those who love and support them.Stephen Fry: The manic-depressive?VIDEO?Part One (58:47) and?Part Two??(58:53)
Your symptoms may be signals that something in your life needs to change. Learning to understand and interpret these signals is much more important than ignoring or avoiding them---approaches that only make the situation worse. This workbook uses techniques from acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) to offer a new treatment plan for depression that will help you live a productive life by accepting your feelings instead of fruitlessly trying to avoid them. ~Amazon
Spiritual Development
"...religion is positively linked with mental health. This might be due to the guiding framework or social support that it offers to individuals. By these routes, religion has the potential to offer security and significance in life, as well as valuable human relationships, to foster mental health. Religion also provides coping skills to deal with stressors, or demands perceived as straining. Pargament?s three primary styles of religious coping are 1) self-directing, characterized by self-reliance and acknowledgement of God, 2) deferring, in which a person passively attributes responsibility to God, and 3) collaborative, which involves an active partnership between the individual and God and is most commonly associated with positive adjustment."
Spirituality
"Secular spirituality emphasizes humanistic ideas on moral character (qualities such as love, compassion, patience, tolerance, forgiveness, contentment, responsibility, harmony, and a concern for others), aspects of life and human experience which go beyond a purely materialist view of the world without necessarily accepting belief in a supernatural reality or divine being. Spiritual practices such as mindfulness and meditation can be experienced as beneficial or even necessary for human fulfillment without any supernatural interpretation or explanation. Spirituality in this context may be a matter of nurturing thoughts, emotions, words and actions that are in harmony with a belief that everything in the universe is mutually dependent."
The Power of Humility?Charles and Barbara Whitfield, Russell Park, Jyoti Jeneane Prevatt
"The Power of Humility is a remarkable book that presents profound tools for changing your life in simple, practical steps. It will help us see the solutions that were there all the time, hidden from view by our own habits." ~Amazon
Teach Only Love?(attitudinal healing) by Gerald G. Jampolsky?
Note:?Teach Only Love?was recommended on Tony Brown's Friends of Narcissists Forum. Tony had been diagnosed with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder and has since passed away. His forum is no longer active. I've listed this book, trusting Tony to recommend a spiritual resource that didn't increase narcissistic grandiosity---a serious hindrance preempting healthy recovery.?
"Observer consciousness is a personal state of awareness that allows us to recognize the happenings in our lives as intentional opportunities to further our connection with ourselves and with Source." She uses a unique blend of ideas and methods distilled from the more classic works of Karpman, Byron Katie, Eckhart Tolle, and others. "How we deal with life's challenges, not the challenges themselves, determine whether or not we are in victim consciousness."
In this book, the author explores the underlying spiritual understanding of narcissism. He presents a detailed map of the steps involved in working through barriers that prevent us from recognizing the most essential nature of our true identity. ~AmazonNote:?If you see yourself doing, saying, and thinking things that contradict the values and principles you have striven to live by, consider talking with professional therapists, religious leaders, counselors, etc. Include people in your recovery plan?who are not family members.?Many people with narcissistic personalities prefer a closed circle---relying on partners (family members or intimate friends) rather than asking for outside help. The fear of being shamed, ?the humiliation of dependency or deficiency, makes?keeping your problem in the family seem like a good idea. But it's not. It's a terrible plan. It's one thing to fire your therapist because after the Devalue and Discard process, you realizes he was an idiot. It's entirely worse to fire your spouse. Or your best friend.?
When experiencing depression, elevated levels of stress, anxiety, (also shame and humiliation after a loss or failure) family members take the brunt of narcissistic projection. The more your loved ones try to help, the more?resistant?you are to receiving their help.?Always, always ask for therapeutic support beyond what family and friends can offer.?The website linked below is a good example of what you can do to protect yourself from self-destructing and keep you on the path towards healing without tearing down and building up another life:
WRAP?, is an evidence-based system that is used world-wide by people who are dealing with mental health and other kinds of health challenges, and by people who want to attain the highest possible level of wellness. It was developed by a group of people who have a lived experience of mental health difficulties; people who were searching for ways to resolve issues that had been troubling them for a long time. WRAP? involves listing your personal resources, your Wellness Tools, and then using those resources to develop Action Plans to use in specific situations which are determined by you. WRAP? is adaptable to any situation. WRAP? also includes a Crisis Plan or Advance Directive.Source: http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2012/11/part-two-resources-for-people-with.html
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